Gottman's Theory of Couples Therapy 02

7 Principles for Making Marriage Work
1. Enhance Love Mapso Develop a deep knowing about each other
o Demonstrate interest in each others lives and priorities

2. Nurture Fondness and Admirationo Develop awareness of the things about your partner that you admire
o Fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt
o Re-write the history and update the philosophy of your marriage

3. Turn toward each other in stead of away
o Make deposits into emotional bank accounts
o Engage in stress-reducing conversations
o Be on your partners side

4. Let your partner influence youo Learn to accept influence
o Power sharing
o Emotional intelligence

5. Solve your solvable problemso Soften your start up
o Learn to make and receive repair statements
o Sooth yourself and each other
o Compromise
o Be tolerant of each others faults

6. Overcome Gridlocko Moving from gridlock to dialogue
o Give voice and share your dreams
o Steps to resolutions
o Become a dream detective
o Make peace

7. Create shared meaningo Family rituals
o Align roles and expectations
o Share personal goals
o Symbols: create, define and share

Gottman's Theory of Couples Therapy 01

Four Horseman
1. Criticismo Criticism= Why do you always put your work ahead of me? I am always on the bottom of the totem pole. What happened to having dinner just the two of us tonight?
o Complaint= You should check with me before inviting coworkers over for dinner to our home. I was hoping to spend time with just you tonight.
o Statement= Im upset. I was under the impression we were supposed to have dinner alone tonight.

2. Contempto Sarcasm and Cynicism
o Name Calling
o Eye-rolling
o Sneering
o Mockery
o Hostile Humor
o Contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust.

3. Defensivenesso Defensiveness is just a way of blaming.
o Defensiveness escalates the conflict.

4. Stonewallingo At a certain point, criticism, contempt and defensiveness give way to stonewalling.
o One partner shuts down, closes up, an emotionally leaves.
o Men are more likely to stone wall (85%)

Flooding= when one partners negativity- whether in the guise of criticism or contempt, or even defensiveness- is so overwhelming and so sudden that it leaves the other partner shell-shocked and defenseless.

Risk factors for and patterns of abuse

Recognizing sings of abuse
In the child: o Sudden changes in behavior or school performance
o Not medical attention for problems brought to parents attention.
o Learning problems, difficulty concentrating, that cannot be attributed to specific disabilities.
o Tends to be watchful, expecting something to happen.
o Lacks adult supervision.
o Overly compliant, passive, or withdrawn.
o Comes to school or other activities early, stays late, does not want to go home.

The Parent: o Shows little concern.
o Denise existence of, or blames the child, for problems at school or home.
o Asks teachers to use physical discipline.
o Describes child as bad or burdensome.
o Demanding high levels of academic and physical performance.
o Relies on child for care, attention, emotional needs.

Parent and Child: o Do not look or touch each other.
o View of relationship is only negative.
o State they do not like each other.


Pattern of Abuse
Tension building o Anger builds.
o Poor communication.
o Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm.
o Tension mounts.
o Victim constantly feels weary of abuser.
o Abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual) takes place.
Making up:
o Apology may be made.
o Promise of the last time.
o Victim blaming.
o Denial of abuse.
o Calm
o Abuser acts as if nothing has happened.
o Some promises may be met, during this time.
o Victim may believe the abuse is truly over.
o Abuser may give gifts to victim.