Sunday, May 31, 2015

Intimacy Based Therapy- David Schnarch

Differentiation
* Differentiation: Clear sense of self
o Knowing who you are and maintaining your identity
o Being clear about who you are and not who you aren’t.
o Confusing on what you know about yourself instead of what “your partner does to you”
o Moving past the fear of engulfment or abandonment
o Resisting dependence on the partner for validation.

* Differentiation: Regulate Anxiety o Recognizes issues regarding how you relate to others.
o Determine the most loving thing you can do for those around you and find comfort in doing that.
o Take care of yourself so that those who love you are free to take care of themselves and love you instead of “propping you up”
o Learnt o self soothe anxiety by being centered on self or self centered (not self centered)
o Learn techniques to assist in staying physically calm (breathing, relaxation, positive self talk, etc).

* Differentiation: Control Reactivity
o Control the degree to which one does NOT react to the other
♣ Allows for the ability to become close to another
o This does not mean to “disinvest” or become indifferent, but instead to care enough not to react.
♣ Stay self centered, calm yourself, do the most loving thing.
o Marriage creates the opportunity for a process that can teach us to reduce reactivity.

* Differentiation: Discomfort for Growth o If we can increase our tolerance for discomfort, we will grow.
♣ Honest
♣ Differentiated
♣ Intimate
o Exploring what we desire or want while:
♣ Confronting the need for “other validation”
♣ Letting go of the fear of losing the partner or their acceptance
o Allowing oneself to have desire:
♣ Interpersonal communication
♣ Longing for boding with a significant other
♣ Exchange meaning
♣ Intensive involvement in the sexual experience
♣ Biological programming, tension/relief, gratification

Example of differentiation
A husband and wife have dinner together. The wife comments that she's had the best time and dinner was wonderful, the husband responds that it was just "okay." If the wife is not differentiated she is expecting validation from him to agree the evening was wonderful, so when she does not hear that, she becomes upset and wonders if he's upset with her or if she did something wrong.

A differentiated wife will still think it was a wonderful evening, for her anyway!